Wow it's been awhile...

It has been awhile since I have last posted anything. Boy has God been dealing with me about it. We have been busy doing so many things, and God is always bringing me back to a place of humility. Let me start by giving you an update on how things are going. God is always moving! Our beautiful boys are growing so fast and continue to amaze me everyday. Gavin is doing good in school and Garrett loves to go to his friends everyday. He gets mad if Gavin is at school and he is not!! Hopefully that will last. They both are in Gymnastics and are loving that. Ministry has taken so many turns that I think I get dissy sometimes. This year so many new things are beginning. We are starting a Young adults ministry with in our church, which is really needed, and Praise and Worship is growing. I would have to say that, that is one of my favorite to serve in.

I think about praise and worship. I meditate on it, and I think that it is sewn into the depths of me inner most part. I have learned very quickly that the answer to any of life's problems, can be found in worship. I think that most people have a misconception to worship. "Let me sing a few songs, and that is all that God needs from me, for me to get what I need." That is the furthest thing from the truth. WORSHIP IS A LIFESTYLE!! I don't think that I can say it enough. As we walk though our day we should worship our Heavenly Father in everything we do. If we have that attitude then we will see everything through Christ's eyes. Worship is not just telling God how wonderful he is, but walking in it, with him as well. My brother-in-law said it best, that we need to "Make love to God." Let me explain, when we take the time to spend with God and truly go to him with a pure heart we are being intimate with him. Intimacy is the key. If as a wife I am not intimate with my husband than our relationship is not complete. The connection is not there. Intimacy is not just a physical thing, but also a mental emotional and a spiritual connection as well. That is what God needs from us. He wants our minds to be his mind, our emotions to rest in his heart, and our spirit to feed on his words. If we get to that intimate place with God, then we will find all the answers to our questions and more, and we will become a complete person in Christ.

I hope that you are able to meditate and get to that place today and everyday, so you can be a complete person in Christ!

To all of the families who have expirienced the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth or early childhood death

I am trying so hard to find the answers to all the questions that are going through your mind. There are no right answers to any of those questions. I can only tell you that, the one and only answer is Christ. I have tried for so long to get all of my questions answered, why did my sweet girl go, and you know what I have felt that God has always said to me is, “Just trust me”. I know that is probably the last thing that you want to hear, but it is true, just trust God. In due time, you will see what kind of plan, that he has for you while you go through your grief. I just want to see you take your time as you go through all of your questions, while you try to find your answers. A woman once asked me how do we get through, the only answer is to breathe. When you are sitting still, when you are talking, when you are all alone just sit and breathe. That must sound really trivial, but it is the one thing that is constant that you know will happen even if you don’t think about it. You will have to just put one foot in front of the other for a while, take one minute at a time; then you will see that one minute turns into hours and the hours have turned into days. Just breathe and take one minute at a time, eventually there will be a new normal, for your different life. You will cry, you will laugh, and then you will be still to think. Like every mother that has lost a child you wonder am I normal, am I doing this the right way, or maybe even is it wrong for me to act this way. What ever you feel you need to do to help you, do it. There is no wrong way and no right way to go through the loss of a baby. Cry when you need to cry, scream when you need to scream, and laugh when you need to laugh. If you want to be left alone, say it. Don’t be pushed into anything that you are not ready for. Take your time; this is a process that does not happen over night. I love you very much, and my heart breaks to see another mother go through the loss of a baby like we did. It’s just not supposed to happen. You are now apart of a sisterhood of women that understands the depth of your pain and grief, even though all of our experiences are different. It has taken me awhile to write this letter to you. It’s one of those things that have to be thought out and prayed about before putting words on a piece of paper. God has all things in order for you, and you will see them come to pass at the right time. Trust God, lean on your family, and then ask for help if you need it. Your family and friends love you and are with you to support you right now. If you ever need to talk just call day or night I’ll be here.

Life's Mission

Life has a purpose, but some of us take so long to figure out what our purpose is, that we never find it until it is to late. A good friend of my husband's, had a father that passed on Sunday, it hit my husband, not because the man passed away, but that his good friend was suffering, and with that we talked about whether or not his father had known Jesus. You know we are all called to take on the purpose of sharing God's word to others, so that they may have the opportunity to know him, and be able to enter an eternity of peace and joy, with the heavenly Father. Whether or not you have figured out exactly what your life's purpose is you should always take on the mission of sharing Gods word with others. You know when you take on that mission you shouldn't be surprised, when the purpose that God has for you begins to reveal it's self in your life. There are so many ways to share God's glory and word with others. I have my own way of sharing the word of God with others, and you will have your own way of sharing the word of God too. You know that the most important thing to do is approach the subject with humility and understanding of the people that you are trying to lead to Christ. I had a really close friend tell me once, that some one walked up to him at the mall, and gave him a track that said "Heaven or Hell where are you going?" That turned him off. It turned him off, because the person was threatening, and they had no relationship with him. If I am going to share the news of Christ, then I like to start off by talking about a common interest that I might have with someone, and then I tell them where I go to church, and I talk a little about what I believe. Most of the time if you take the time to have a simple conversation with someone you will be able to lead into the knowledge of Christ, and share the message that God has called each of us to share. When you pay attention to the person and not the point you will have more impact on them, and they wont feel like your cramming something down their throat, they are a lot morelikely to listen. Pay attention to their mood, and their body language, you will be able to tell if you are getting somewhere with them. Let God lead you and He will give you the right words to say to be able to get through the message that He alone wants you to give.

Prayer/Declaration

I read this prayer the other day written by a mother who had lost a baby due to miscarriage. When I read the prayer, it kind of frustrated me, because it was self centered in my opinion instead of being Christ centered, so I rewrote it to fit what I believe should be our prayers as parents that have lost a baby:

Baby’s Prayer

In this time of loss I call upon the Holy Spirit to guide me to be my strength so that I may find peace and completion.

I will use this strength to allow myself and others the ability to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to total restoration.

During my journey of grief I will seek guidance not only from the Holy Spirit and my Heavenly Father but from my loving friends and family who may offer wisdom and comfort.

I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and I will take the time to allow the healing to take place.

I will live not in fear but peace, and understand that over time I will see all of the good things that have happened through the life of my baby.

In spite of my understanding that things happen that cannot be controlled, I understand that with the power of the Holy Spirit I can allow God to take control over my life and guide me to the place where my destiny and purpose will be reviled to give me a complete healing emotionally spiritually and physically.

Help me recognize the gift of the ability to carry and conceive no matter how long my baby may have lived.

Help me find the joy and peace in the ability to desire, love and care for a baby unknown to me.

Help me find your healing grace in the belief that this baby knew my love and the desire for my baby to be complete and whole on this Earth or in the arms of Jesus.

Help me find the purpose to the short life that my baby lived so that I might help others through the loss of their baby. Help me to give and help others who are now apart of the “Club” of families who have lost a baby through miscarriage stillbirth or infant death.

Help me to recognize and honor my baby’s life by the way that I live mine, by moving forward and taking control of my grief, and allowing God to take control over my life, so that I might live to find the purpose and destiny God has for me. Help me to learn the full appreciation of motherhood in any way that you have designed for me.

I will listen to and trust my Heavenly Father, because He tells me that, I will once again be reunited with my baby and will fulfill the need to hold baby in my arms. I will allow Him to bring me comfort in the knowledge that my baby knows no pain or suffering only happiness in the arms of Jesus.

Forgiveness

I know that the hardest thing for me to grasp was that I did not do anything wrong when we lost our little girl, that I did everything I could do. It took me some time, but I had to walk through forgiveness of myself over her loss. For some that is hard to understand. Forgiving others is most often easier for us to do when it comes to other people, but when it comes to us as an individual we think that we do not owe it to ourselves to forgive us for what has happened. I thought I should have been able to control every thing that happened with this tragedy, I thought that she was my baby, and as her mom I should have been able to protect her from the infection that she got from my body. For the longest time, after her passing, every time I got upset, I had to verbalize that "I have forgiven myself for the the loss of Madelise" some days it was almost impossible to get out and other days it was no big deal. This was the first step to total restoration of my mind emotions and most importantly my spirit. God blessed me with my Garrett after I walked through complete healing, I could not have been ready to have another child if I was a wounded mom. I had to walk through some very dark valleys during that period of time. I became addicted to prescription medications. They were my way of getting rid of the pain, I would always say I want to turn my head off. I didn't know how to deal with the deep pain that was inside of me. I found justification in the meds, because I needed them to help with the pain of endometriosis. Once my addiction came out I had to really walk through the forgiveness process with myself, because I felt like a horrible mom, here I am a mother to a beautiful little boy, and I am drugging myself so I don't have to feel. I wont tell you that forgiveness is easy, sometimes it is for some people, but for most when it comes to forgiving yourself it is the hardest thing that you will ever do. The meaning of forgiveness is this: To let go of the hurts and not take on the emotions from the pain. It is not to say that we forget, because we will always remember but we will work to move forward and not continue to hold onto the pain that goes with the tragedy. Jesus had a statement in his sermon on the mount "God blesses those people who make peace". So in forgiving yourself you are making peace with your situation and choosing to move forward letting go of the hurt and pain, while always remembering your baby. This is not to say that in the beginning this will most likely be a daily process. Then as time goes on you will realize that this conscious decision is fewer and further between because over time it will really take hold of your heart. In the beginning you may just have to say the words and at first you may not really mean what you are saying, but when you continually say that you are forgiving yourself for what has happened, (which the bible says your words shall not return void), you will wake up one day and realize that you mean what you are saying. You may well ask, "If I forgive isn't that ignoring the past? What about justice?" The issue of justice faces us with the cost of forgiveness. Paul says, "Forgive anyone who does you wrong, just as Christ has forgiven you" (Colossians 3:13). The justice of your forgiveness is your peace. I can promise you this that when you forgive you will have that peace that passes all understanding.